i guess i shouldn't have said anything, i shouldn't have let my (selfish) need to apologise for my actions inspire that, i should have known it'd just make matters worse and bring me back in his thoughts.
i wish it wasn't so hard. i wish sometimes he lived right across the hall and could observe my daily life, the variations, whether i go out to get groceries at 7 in the morning or 10 in the evening, i wish it wasn't so far and i wish it was uncomplicated and i wish i was less persistant with my phobias and pet peeves;
i wish i didn't miss him despite the awareness of the obvious reason i stay away.
or, failing that, i wish i missed him with a certainty that i could be more present in somebody else's life than a seasonal butterfly. i can't. it's not fair to make you think i can.