today i told her; what i feel is grief, because i am constantly consumed with the loss of what was important to me; i lost me.
i am ashamed whenever faced with the question "what did you do today"; i was not at work, i was not at school, i did not go anywhere exciting, i didn't even read a good book or paint a pretty painting. perhaps i did the dishes. perhaps i did nothing. i have no social self anymore, i have lost the parts of myself that could be shared, discussed, taken pride in, sought admiration for.
and, cruelly, what i got to keep was the ambition, the desire, the will to have all of those things; the urge to be smarter, cleverer, better, stronger.
like i kept my legs but lost my feet; it might be worth something, but it still wouldn't let me stand and walk.